dreams and reality of love

I always believe that dreams portals are to our consciousness. The gateway to reveal one’s present, and manifests possibilities, our dream speaks for our self, and they explain our isolated strife, confusions, anxieties, and even fears. They are inevitably the shadow that shades our life black and white, which seldom looks gray.

Two days ago, I dreamt of my muddled up present and past: people who shaped my character and gave me the reasons to be caged. I had a dream of my former girlfriend, who turned out to be the girl treating me as a complete stranger. And the dream mirrored me this way…

My dream started with me performing my job as a radio jock. I was not doing so well that time because my concentration was not firm, I was even surprise to find that the microphone was separated from the console and all the computers were not working. I was totally a mess sheep that time. My boss approached me and said “Robert, relax and think it over! You can do that but at least let go of that pain”. I was shock to hear statement from him considering that I seldom get the chance to talk to him and I never had a chance to chat about personal know-how. And there it was a complete evanescence. I continued my job and tried my best, when I got another message which startlingly popped out on an index card. It says “move on and forget about her”. The word HER startled my mind. These people must be telling me something about my personal recovery and not about my job. My boss then came to the scene again and told me that I am ok but I have to polish something that was not written.

When I was about to leave my working station, my boss beckoned goodbye saying “Good luck Robert, see you tomorrow for your next board work, and you’ll do better”. Contented with his words, I left the place and walked straight home.

While I was walking, I bumped into my very good friend; she stared and smiled at me as if she was so dazzled to see me. She said “I’ll introduce you to a friend, I’m sure you’ll love to see her”. We walked straight, and noticed that I was already wearing my college uniform. Then everything flashed with a big surprise, the place was familiar, the trees were still blooming in yellow, the house was still unyielding and the person who was shivering was me, and in front was the girl I loved.

It has been almost 2 years since the last time I saw her.

I stupidly stared to my friend as to how and why does she has to introduce me to her again. I was honestly happy and chuckling but I never knew where to start. “This is the time Bert; I got her for you, time to set her free”, my friend said. I was quite disturbed hearing those words, but the look of her seemed to be so happy for me. I secretly stared to my former and she smiled at me. She sat beside me, trying to hold my hands but I refused, and moved away beside her. This time, I confidently looked at her and felt nothing. Minutes of happiness changed into comfort of not being with her, it turned out to be a settlement of uncharged emotion that she held for years, it flashed into me the memories we had but will remain as is, it juggled my mind her sweetness and embrace but it did not do me anything this time. But I have no one to blame.

I wanted to jump for joy for but I remained composed. I hurriedly went out of the door and saw my good friend opening the gate for me. I said “thank you for introducing me to her AGAIN, you were right, this is something different” she smile and answered back “you are now free Bert.”


Then I woke up and realized.

Sometimes in life, we demand so much from people to heal our own hearts, we become bitter of the past and never get tired to punish ourselves from thinking hard and forcing to be loved, and most of the time, we choose to get hurt, and choose to be alienated by our own self. This is what I’ve learned from patiently waiting for my heart to be healed. Forgiveness takes time though the memory of pain remains. But why negative impulse strikes harder when you’re memories with them includes much happiness, fulfillment and learning? I believe that genuine loving means people setting aside irrationality and taking time to ponder on the general happiness someone brought us. I honesty had loads of experiences regarding separation and from there I developed separation anxiety, hard to reveal but its true. I had the toughest of being left by the first woman I loved who is my mother but I never stopped loving. We don’t choose the people we love, because they will just come and just happens, but if it is time for them to go and find better niche for personal growth, we have to accept it. If it’s not for us, we have to let them go and let them recover.

Indeed, Love is like taking a synthetic pill to be ecstatic and be in pain at the same time, but the control of our mind should stick into our hearts and should let us do what is right.